Things you wouldn't know

Unless you asked. Well, as some of you may know, Devin and I have been married almost 3 years; and in our church, most people have kids or are at least pregnant by this time. That being said, we're not feeling any pressure from our friends or family, people at church, or even random strangers. But let me just tell you, I'm feeling my own kind of personal pressure. Now, I know that I am not old and I know that we still have plenty of time and I know that in the grand scheme of things we haven't been married THAT long and that maybe right now isn't a great time to have kids since we're poor and Devin is in school; but that doesn't change how I feel.

I feel mad. And sad. And frustrated. And annoyed. And tired. And worried. And nervous. And scared. And several other things.

Devin and I have been not not trying for almost a year now. If that wasn't enough to make things difficult, I have wanted to be pregnant since about September of 2009, so about 2.5 years now. In a culture where EVERYONE our age has at least one baby either here or on the way, and lots are having their 2nd or 3rd; it can be pretty painful.

As far as we know, everything is fine. Neither of us has a history of any kind of fertility problems and we're both very healthy. Whether or not this is more encouraging or frustrating, it's hard to say. Devin is also very supportive and does his best to be understanding. I don't write this to get pity or even sympathy; I just want people to understand.

When I hear about another person being pregnant, having an ultrasound, buying cute things for their nursery, or talking about feeling their baby moving inside them; I have mixed feelings. When I see pictures and videos of babies walking, talking, eating solid foods, or doing cute, growing up, baby things; a variety of thoughts go through my mind. I'm happy for you, but at the same time I wish you would just go away. I really am thrilled for you as a person, as my friend; but I also hate you at the same time.

This isn't my way of saying you shouldn't tell me about these exciting moments in your life; I really do want to hear all about your news and the fun things that are changing in your world. I just think this is something that while yes, many people understand (I personally know many people who have been trying for MUCH longer than us, and others who have severe health related fertility problems, and still others who have suffered heartbreaking miscarriages), at the same time the vast majority of my friends know nothing about it. You had 2 periods and then were pregnant. You got pregnant while on birth control. You and your husband agreed right away when to have kids and were both ecstatic about it. You were married 3 months and then were pregnant. You decided to have your 2nd child and that happened right away too. You're 19 and you're pregnant. And as such, you have no idea what it's like or how it hurts to be on the other side of things.

It's hard to relate to people who's lives revolve around their children, when all you have is a cat. Apart from 2 couples, everyone I know who doesn't have kids yet, that are our age and have been married around as long as we have; it is by choice.

Am I bitter? Yes. Am I jealous? Most definitely. Am I hopeless? No.

Both Devin and I feel that we will be parents and we feel like it will happen soon. Now what soon means, only the Lord knows. His soon is not always our soon. But we have faith (I should probably have more) and we shall see what happens.

In the meantime, just know that while I am truly, honestly happy for you; there's a part of me that is just sad for myself.

**This is not a response to any specific friend announcing anything about their specific child or pregnancy; I just wanted to get this out of my system, and hopefully not offend or hurt any of my friends who do have kids and/or are expecting. And I also want my friends who are going through greater fertility challenges than myself to know that I am truly sorry, and I can't even pretend to know how you're feeling or understand what you're going through. This is just me wanting to express my feelings about my own situation.**